Dear Journal,
What a day! Today was my last day of shock therapy, and I know I was skeptical at first but I have to say it really has worked. It wasn’t a pleasant process but I could guess that it wouldn’t be easy from the name alone. I am so glad May insisted that I do this; I will have to thank her later. It has brought back almost all of my memory, which I am extremely happy about. Unfortunately, though, having all of my memory means that I know about every thing that didn’t happen as well. Everything that was all in my mind and not reality. By that I mean Lyndley. Or Lyndsey. I don’t really know what to call her ever since May told me her real name, but I guess it doesn’t really matter what I call her since she was all in my head anyway.
I don’t know what to think about all that. I mean, I made up a human being! Well, I technically can’t say that I made her up because at one point in time she did exist. But she didn’t live to be over a day old. The rest of her life was purely in my mind. My whole life I believed that she was there with me and now I know that I was alone the whole time. It scares me to think that up until now, I was so out of it. I was basically a crazy person, but I felt saner than anyone I knew. Its funny how that works.
When I first figured out the whole Lyndley thing I was so confused. At first, I thought I was just completely insane. Then, I thought maybe it was because we were twins and the bond between twins is so strong that I just couldn’t let her die. However, I have done a lot of thinking and I know now that it was deeper than both of these things. Lyndley was there to protect me from my life, because I was too afraid to deal with it myself. Throughout Lyndley’s “life”, she always had it bad. Her father beat her and her mother, she broke up with the only man she ever loved, she was sent away to boarding school, her dad was a drunk, the list could go on forever. It sends chills down my spine to know that this all really happened to me. I put Lyndley there to protect me, so I could feel like it was all happening to someone else. So I wouldn’t have to feel the pain, only the sympathy.
The day Lyndley commit suicide, well, I don’t know what to think about that either. Obviously I know now that it was me up there on that cliff and it was me who jumped into the wind and fell to the water below. It gives me an uneasy feeling to know that I tried to kill myself, but I cant understand why I did it. I must have known, in the very back of my brain, that I was living a lie. That’s a hard thing to try to deal with. I am glad that I lived through that day, but at the time it hurt so bad to come back to life.
What hurts the most is that I miss Lyndley. She wasn’t really there, but for my entire life she was as real as ever to me. We shared all of our life experiences, and there’s no doubt she helped me realize who I really was inside. She was my best friend and my twin sister. And now that she is out of my head, it hurts my heart more than I could ever explain.
“I could have loved you more if you had been my own daughter.” What is that supposed to mean?! The moment May said that to me, my heart sank. She didn’t know it at the time, but her not being my mother was news to me. I keep replaying that line over and over in my head… I could have loved you more… didn’t she love me enough? Maybe what I thought was love was really pity. Maybe that’s why she let me stay with her. I really don’t know.
The worst part about May not being my mother is the fact that it means Auntie Emma is. Not that I don’t love Auntie Emma, because I do. It’s just that she is my Auntie Emma and will always be just an auntie in my mind. I know this is probably really hard on her too. To find out that your only daughter didn’t even think you were her mother has got to be hard to take. I do know Emma well, and right now she is probably doubting her parenting and telling herself that she was a bad mother. I, of course, blame myself for this and I feel awful that my mother feels this way about me. It will just take some time for me to get used to.
It’s hard to explain the feeling that everything you ever knew is not true. The feeling that everyone you ever loved is not who you really think they are. It’s too confusing to try to figure out. I will have to take time on this one. May is trying so hard to help me through it, but it’s hard for me to trust her. I know that sounds stupid because if I should be able to trust anyone right now it is May, but I cant help but think she has more secrets. I intend to find discover what these secrets are. I need to know more about my past so I can figure my life out. I can’t do it just yet though; I’m hoping that as time passes they will just come to me.
I would think that after going through what I’ve been through these past couple days, and pretty much my whole life if you think about it, I would be a mess. However, I like to think that I am taking everything pretty well. So much information coming at me so fast is sometimes heard to hear, but I am accepting everything I am learning about myself. Since I am basically starting my life over, I have decided that I am going to stay positive through it all. I think optimism is one of the major things I lacked before therapy, and I am trying my hardest to do exactly the opposite of what I used to do. Hopefully it will just get easier as time goes by.
Through all of this, I have had so much support from everyone. I feel really blessed to have everyone on my side. However, I can’t stop thinking how good Eva would have been at explaining things to me and helping me piece my memories back together. She was always a big part of my life, no matter where I was living, and I know she knew me better than anyone. It’s hard not having her around, but I know she is happy for me now. I keep seeing her around the house or hearing her voice. It’s comforting to know she is watching over me. If anyone ever knew anything about this whole Lyndley thing, I had to have been Eva. She was so intuitive, and I just felt like she had a close bond with Lyndley. That could just be my head again, or that could really mean something. I guess I will just have to wait for another sign from above to find out.
-Towner
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